Shanghai there, everybody! (Thanks Finkelstein, D for the joke!)
Yes, I’m here in China, the world’s powerhouse that’s brimming with opportunity, ideas and of course money. As Headmaster, it’s my job to sell the school – literally, in this case. And I’ve found some happy buyers for almost all the facilities, buildings, classes, grounds and even the miniature railway. And I’ve recruited thousands and thousands of new pupils, who are already very good at core subjects like maths and maths, not forgetting extra maths, and will raise standards in CoAc far above our current twenty-somethingth place (sorry, maths never my strong point) in the global educational league tables, taking us above Pyongyang Secondary Not-Very-Modern and just below the Borat Academy in Kazakhstan. So we can look forward to welcoming an exciting influx of Chinese pupils, so long as they pass the rigorous examination of their financial status.
Some parents have been less than complimentary about my approach to the Chinese, which is usually on all fours. However, anyone who knows anything about Chinese culture is that the way to show your authority and earn universal respect is to prostrate oneself on the floor with arms and tongue extended, ready to lick the boots of your hosts. This is in no way a loss of face, rather a demonstration of politeness, respect and desperation. Sorry, the predictive text kicked in there, it should have read “des-ire to do business”…