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A Message From The Headmaster
Issue 1387
dave.jpg

VALE
It is with considerable embarrassment that we record the somewhat premature departure of Mr Rifkind, who was hoping to stay on as a member of staff for another five years.

As the man in charge of CoAc’s Intelligence Testing, it is perhaps ironic that he did not have the wit to realise that the Sixth Form media group were filming him and only pretending to recruit him as a part-time chef for a made-up Chinese takeaway.

When they told him that he would be “Making a Fortune Cookie”, anyone with any intelligence would have smelt a rat, not that there are rats in our real local Chinese restaurant, the Peking Duck House. (Thanks for the substantial donation to the Headmaster’s Reappointment Fund, Mr K’Ching, no questions asked.)

Though initially determined to remain in his post and clear his name, Mr Rifkind has decided that it would be in my best interests if he cleared his desk and disappeared as soon as possible, to spend more time looking through his extensive book of contacts for someone who hasn’t heard about this humiliating debacle.

Confucius, he say: “Wise man check Ming vase for hidden microphone before opening mouth”.

D.C.

To read more letters from the Headmaster (and of course, the Deputy Head), please buy the latest edition of Private Eye - or subscribe here and have the magazine delivered to your home every fortnight.

Next issue on sale:
17th March 2015.
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For all these stories you can buy the magazine or subscribe here and get delivery direct to your home every fortnight.
Next issue on sale: 17th March 2015.

Private Eye Issue 1386
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