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Apology From The Headmaster
Issue 1370
dave.jpg I would like to apologise, if it’s not too early – or indeed far too late – for apparently employing Mr Coulson. Mr Coulson, you may remember, was in charge of the Headmaster’s communications team and was found listening in to other people’s private conversations on the school switchboard. For this he will now go to prison.

I’d like to make it clear, I employed him in good faith, despite his previous history working for our controversial local newsagent, Mr Murdoch, who supplies fish and chip paper all over the country.

When people told me Mr Coulson was a liar, I made thorough checks, asking him personally if he was a liar and he said, “No I’m not.” This seemed pretty conclusive.

How could I possibly have had reason to doubt him? He didn’t even have his fingers crossed, nor did his nose extend, so what else could I do but give him a top job in a very sensitive area. I believe in giving people a second chance and I’d now be grateful if you could do the same for me. I can assure you this is the last member of staff who will bring disgrace on the school.

D.C.

To read more letters from the Headmaster (and of course, the Deputy Head), please buy the latest edition of Private Eye - or subscribe here and have the magazine delivered to your home every fortnight.

Next issue on sale:
22nd July 2014.
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And also...

- What Rebekah Did: Six-page special report by the Eye’s man in court, Adam Macqueen
- Extra Dry Sharia: The Law Society’s fight against discrimination is… discriminatory
- PLUS: Extra cartoons, Summer Gnomemart & more – still only £1.50!
For all these stories you can buy the magazine or subscribe here and get delivery direct to your home every fortnight.
Next issue on sale: 22nd July 2014.

Private Eye Issue 1369
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