The Totally Secure Prime Minister’s WhatsApp Group
Members Only, Issue 1672
Members Only, Issue 1672
Let’s move on from this whole Mandelson
McSweeney phone fiasco.
Morgan McSweeney
Hello?
Hello?
Darren Jones
Morgan? What are you doing here?
Morgan? What are you doing here?
Morgan McSweeney
I’m not Morgan. My name’s Keith. I’ve found this phone thrown away in a skip in Pimlico. Does anyone know the owner, so I can return his phone?
I’m not Morgan. My name’s Keith. I’ve found this phone thrown away in a skip in Pimlico. Does anyone know the owner, so I can return his phone?
No, no, he won’t want it. Besides, I expect the phone must have been irreversibly damaged when the hooded thief on the bicycle threw it into the skip, as he must have done.
Morgan McSweeney
The phone seems fine, actually. No problems at all. There’s lots of messages from someone called Peter.
The phone seems fine, actually. No problems at all. There’s lots of messages from someone called Peter.
Well, there are lots of people in the world called Peter. The chances of him being the disgraced but perfectly well-vetted former Ambassador to the US are statistically negligible, vanishingly
small, I have no further questions.
Morgan McSweeney
There’s a lot of references to a gobby red-head Northern nutjob.
There’s a lot of references to a gobby red-head Northern nutjob.
Angela Rayner
Who the fook could that be?
Who the fook could that be?
You see, it’s clearly not Morgan’s phone. Thank you, Keith for your time and trouble. I suggest you toss the phone into the North Sea and we’ll say no more about it.
Keith from Pimlico has been removed from the group by the administrators, who hope they’ll never hear from him again.
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Next issue on sale: 16th April 2026
