The All-New 'Time For A Change' Prime Minister’s WhatsApp Group
Members Only, Issue 1629
PM's WhatsApp Group
Rachel Reeves
There is one announcement that I’ve got to make. The biscuits in Cabinet are too expensive.
Wes Streeting
Lighten up, Rachel. Next you’ll be telling us to bring in our lunches in Tupperware boxes, like you!
Rachel Reeves
Not yet, though that’s subject to review. But I’m talking biscuits today. And the OBR, the Office for Biscuit Responsibility, has made it clear that unfunded biscuits are unacceptable, so we’re going to have to cut down on the chocolatey ones and there’ll be a two- biscuit cap on each individual.
Darren Jones
That’s not Nice! Like the biscuit.
Rachel Reeves
Actually Nice biscuits do fall within the acceptable fiscal parameters. As do Rich Tea.
Morgan McSweeney
Rich Tea? No, that’s terrible brand association.
What about Jaffa Cakes? I like those!
David Lammy
Keir, as Foreign Secretary and expert on all things foreign, I should point out that Jaffa Cakes are named after the ancient Levantine port of Jaffa, now part of Tel- Aviv in Israel, making it a contentious choice of teatime comestible, which could lead to boycotts, rallies and chanting outside Downing Street.
Darren Jones
"From the river to the tea!"
I apologise. I need to be ruthless about this. And so I am immediately withdrawing the whip from myself.
Angela Rayner
Does this mean I’m in charge?
Rachel, over to you.
To read all of the PM's highly confidential Whatsapp Group Chat, buy the latest edition of Private Eye - you can subscribe here and have the magazine delivered to your home every fortnight.

Next issue on sale: 11th September 2024
gnitty
MORE TOP STORIES ONLINE
Cash & Dash
Cash & Dash
The CQC's failings are down to one man
In The Back, Issue 1630
Cold feet
Cold feet
Why the papers tiptoe around Strictly
Street Of Shame, Issue 1629
Hungary work
Hungary work
Putin's useful ally in the EU
Columnists, Issue 1629
ALSO IN THIS ISSUE
ONLY IN THE MAGAZINE
Private Eye Issue 1629
In This Issue
Strictly Come Prancing in crisis… Everyone suddenly an expert on parallel bars/breakdancing/fencing… Bibby Stockholm barge to claim asylum… 'Anti-sex' beds Olympics fury… Conspiracy update: Joe Biden special… Kamala Harris guaranteed to win election as long as it is held on Twitter… Who or what is a 'CrowdStrike'?… Porridge: Episode 69… Strictly Come Dancing: a Symposium, as told to Craig Brown.

Case review
Part two of MD's verdict on the Lucy Letby trial

US-Eye
All change in the presidential race

Labour pains
Guardian columnists are full of post-election gloom

Read these stories and much more - only in the magazine. Subscribe here to get delivery direct to your home and never miss an issue!
ONLY £2.99
SUBSCRIBE HERE
NEXT ISSUE ON SALE
11th September 2024
WHY SUBSCRIBE?
Private Eye Issue 1628
MORE FROM PRIVATE EYE