Ahoy there, shipmates!
A lot of parents have been swimming into the Headmaster’s study and expressing concern that I haven’t got the current flooding situation under control. Well, I have.
I’ve set up a special staff committee, codenamed COACBRA, which stands for COAC Belated Response Assembly, which is going to coordinate all our efforts to return the school to normal, as soon as this beastly weather allows us to! Here are some of the practical measures I’ve already introduced:
I’ve bought some Wellington boots for Mr Paterson, so as soon as he comes out of the sanatorium (a slight problem with his vision!!), he will be fully equipped to sort out the problems of the river by the playing fields. This has burst its banks and is depositing 500,000 tonnes of water per hour on to the all-weather hockey pitch (we may be suing over that one).
- I’ve told all staff to get out and about (in Wellingtons, remember, Mr Paterson), look concerned and point at things in the water. This will improve morale on the ground, or what ground there is left, with this beastly weather.
- I’ve told Mr Pickles to stay indoors, because he’s only making matters worse, by wading in (!) where he’s not wanted. (Thanks, Finkelstein, D, glad to see your sense of humour hasn’t “dried up”.) At the moment, every time Mr Pickles opens his mouth he puts his foot in it, which makes a change, as usually a pie gets there first. Still, well done to the school shop, for supplying Eric with the largest hi-vis jacket since records began.
- I have set up an impressive chain of command to deal with the COAC Flood Strategy, and I’m delighted to say we have nearly completed Phase One, ie get totally flooded. Phase Two begins yesterday! This involves naming the chain of command as follows: Gold Command, Silver Command, Bronze Command and so on, right down to Rusty Old Tin Command. (Mr Smith who, for the record, is doing a very good job whatever Mr Pickles says about him being utterly useless. Now is not the time for pointing the finger, Eric, unless it’s into a hole in the dam by the Headmaster’s House.) Above this metal command structure is an even more important figure – the Supreme COACBRA Commander-in-Chief. Me. And that’s someone who doesn’t need to prove his “mettle”. (Thanks Finkelstein, D, for this flood of jokes.)
- I’ve promised everyone in COAC that money is no object. Whatever it takes, that’s what we’ll spend. Now I have to go, as the Bursar wants a word.