COLUMNISTS
Issue 1639
pandemic update
"Keir Starmer, aka the next James Bond, has so far committed to just one 'measurable milestone' for the NHS: ensuring 92 percent of patients wait no longer than 18 weeks from referral to hospital treatment by 2029. It's a big job. In September, the waiting list in England was at a record high of 7.57m cases, with around 6.34m individual patients waiting for treatment. Of these, 3.14m are waiting more than 18 weeks and 249,300 for more than a year…"
agri brigade
With Bio-Waste Spreader: "The National Farmers Union (NFU) continues to encourage its members to drive their tractors up and down Whitehall to protest with their air-horns about the imposition of inheritance tax on farmland (a tax that can be completely avoided if landowners give away their land at least seven years before they die). But why has the NFU not been highlighting the real damage done to farms by the recent budget through the shock drastic reduction to the Basic Payment Scheme…"
signal failures
With Dr B Ching: "While the government may claim it wants rail freight to grow by more than the Tories' target of 75 percent by 2050, it is incentivising the opposite. Labour's pre-election 'plan to fix Britain's railways' said expanding rail freight was 'critical to meeting the challenge of net zero: rail freight produces 76 percent fewer carbon emissions than road freight and reduces congestion by requiring fewer lorries on our roads'…"
eye tv
With Remote Controller: "At 8pm in BBC1 peak-time on Christmas Day, a homeless pregnant woman will be seen desperately looking for somewhere to give birth. Christians can at least give thanks for this rare glimpse of the story that gives the bank holiday its name in schedules that have become increasingly filled with game show specials, food shows and 50-year-old editions of Morecambe & Wise. It's true this maternal housing emergency will be resolved not at a stable in Bethlehem but Nonnatus House in Poplar…"
keeping the lights on
With Old Sparky: "Speaking to a 'commercial leadership' seminar this month, beleaguered tree- burning Drax CEO Will Gardiner likened his staff to Jenga blocks. It was an interesting simile, because very senior staff at the centre of the Drax storm have been steadily disappearing since the current crisis began (Eyes passim). In no particular order, the departed (and departing) include…"
music and musicians
With Lunchtime O'Boulez: "The double-bass player turned political activist Chi-Chi Nwanoku has been no stranger to this column as her relationship with the BAME orchestra she founded, Chineke, has grown ever more fractious. Last year she was forced to stand down as executive director (under what was believed to be pressure from Arts Council England), though she was allowed to stay on as artistic director (Eye 1593). Now she's been suspended…"
in the city
With Slicker: "Bob Dylan wrote Masters of War in the 1960s about companies profiting from war, but today similar hostility is growing and encompasses much of the corporate world – and not just in the United States. Water companies; oil and gas providers; train operators... This rising anger is exemplified by the visceral reaction, amplified as ever now by social media, to the New York shooting of United Healthcare chief executive Brian Thompson..."
eye world
Letter from Istanbul
From Our Own Correspondent:
"Our president was in fine spirits leaving Friday prayers in Istanbul on 5 December. In Syria, rebels were pushing towards Damascus, and a smiling Erdogan wished them well – even though, days earlier, his own foreign minister had insisted Turkey had nothing to do with the offensive. That, of course, was rubbish…"
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Next issue on sale: 8th January 2025
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Private Eye Issue 1639
In This Issue
Gnome’s Christmas Giftmart... Royal male sold off to foreign interest... John Simpson’s verdict on the monsters of history... Daily Mailograph editorial: ‘Hot assassin’ latest... The columnist who fears for his career as a Gregg Wallace lookalike... World Cup to be held on Mars... Xmas film choice: Edward Milibands... Pick of the podcasts: The Rest Is Adverts... Jacob Rees-Mogg: One’s Christmas, as told to Craig Brown

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Stocking-fillers, including the Lord Alli gift card

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Take on Cyclops for your chance to win £250

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