Tweet

"They were playing on the flattest pitch in all of Christendom"
SIMON MANN in, er, Multan, Pakistan, 5 Live Sports Extra

"We’re not savvy to what’s said in the dressing room"
THEO WALCOTT, Sky Sports

"He scored the only goal of the game, which turned out to be the match- winner"
MARTIN TYLER, Sky Sports

"He was a bit unlucky there – it was six of one and a dozen of the other"
ALAN SMITH, Sky Sports

"Best ever World Superbike race we’ve ever seen for a long time, if ever!"
JAMES TOSELAND, Eurosport

Please email your entries to balls@private-eye.co.uk. £10 paid for submissions printed in the magazine.