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The Totally Secure Prime Minister’s WhatsApp Group
Members Only, Issue 1640

Happy New Year, everyone. Though don’t expect it to be delivered immediately – the Happy New Year may be 2026 once we’ve built the foundations for happiness and allowed time for the happiness indices to recalibrate.

Darren Jones
Well, that holiday in Madeira seems to have really recharged your funster batteries!!!

Angela Rayner
So you’ve been away? You should have told me and I would have been in charge.

Yes, I don’t know how that slipped my mind. So much going on.

Morgan McSweeney
Well, boss, you certainly deserved to fly off on holiday after all that jetting around the world before Christmas.

David Lammy
So Madeira. Lovely. Is that the capital of South America?

Near enough, Foreign Secretary.

David Lammy
Are we giving the Chagos Islands to Madeira then?

Good thought. But I think it’s Mauritius you’re thinking about, David?

David Lammy
But Mauritius is in Scotland. Where’s that Secret Santa Atlas I was given?

It’s in your office.

David Lammy
Where’s that? Don’t worry, I’ll ask a policeman.

Yvette Cooper
Good luck finding one. And if you’re unlucky he’ll nick you for sitting in the back of a fancy car.

David Lammy has left the group to try and find his ministerial limo.

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