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headmasters message
School Discrimination Policy
Issue 1411
dave.jpg The Headmaster has made it absolutely clear that no one will be discriminated against on the grounds of race, creed, colour or where they went to school.

So, following recent events elsewhere, we are delighted to welcome to the Cameron Free School the distinguished actor and Old Etonian, Sgt Brodie from Homeland, aka Lewis, D (OE), to turn on the lights in our new Careers Advisory Unit (sample advice: go to Eton). Salve Damian!

By the way, Mr Johnson says sorry for flushing your head down the toilet back then, but it was all good training for when you were tortured by the Taliban.


Admissions Policy

I’m afraid there’s no room for any more pupils from Syria.

This is for humanitarian reasons because if they came over to the school, they would have to wear a red wristband and be put in a dormitory with a red door, which they wouldn’t like and besides it’s very cold at this time of year, which they wouldn’t like either.

So all in all, it’s a compassionate “no” from the Headmaster.

D.C.

To read all the current news from the Cameron Free School, buy the latest edition of Private Eye - you can subscribe here and have the magazine delivered to your home every fortnight.

Next issue on sale:
16th February 2016.
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Private Eye’s All-Purpose Celebrity Death Cut-out-and-Weep Article… Cameron to Send Son to Elite Prep School Cakelet Court… Bill Gates Goes Offshore for Desert Island Discs… Me and My Spooning, with Tuppence Middleton… North to be Moved South… Guardian Masterclasses: Coping with Redundancy… Tim Peake’s Diary, as tweeted to Craig Brown

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- Hacking Watch: Possible lawsuits over hacking at the Screws shudder back to life
- EU referendum: Sceptics declare all-out war… with each other!
PLUS: Spad Behaviour at the Department of Health; Danczuk’s banana skin; & more.

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Private Eye Issue 1410
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